Word by word

Why me? Why are you treating me in this way Jesus? I know that I'm a sinner, maybe one of the most declared sinners... maybe like a Pilatos, maybe like Judas, or as Peter... but I know that You died for me... You forgave me. And once more I ask You: Why is this happening to me? Don't You love me anymore? Are you punishing me? Are You rejecting me like I did with You on that cross?
What do I have to do to put this out of me? What do I have to pray to stop this pain? What do I have to give you to have happiness? Please say to me, bacause I don't know.
Jesus you are the strength, but I feel weak like a premature baby. You are the light of the world, but I feel my life like the most dark night... I'm afraid of walking alone, because I feel like there are wolfs around me... and I don't know how to ask your help, I don't know how to pray anymore.I'm ashamed of myself, because of what I've done, because os what I'm doing. I'm ashamed of my feelings, of my dreams, of my name.
I'm ashamed to be named diverted, to be named the revolted, to be named the son that ran out of home, that denied the Father because of some libertine desires. And now I don't have courage to go back home, I don't have courage to look into your eyes, even though I know you are merciful.
Please forgive me, teach me once more how to pour out myself on you, teach me how to touch your heart, because now I can understand that what I live isn't a punishment, that it's not a vendetta... I know that what I live is the consequence of what I chose, that the difficulties are stairs for my improving, for my growing... I undesrtand now that You forgave me, since I was nothing but a plan of You... that you never rejected me, though I've done it with you.
I know that You are here, by my side, supporting me, taking care of me... I know that You still love me... and You'll love me forever.
I wont be afraid because I believe in You. You teaches me once more how to pray... like a father teaches to his child how to read: word by word.
Thank you God for washing my sins, and making me new: thank You for the patience, thank you for your blood shed...
Thank's for You.